Excerpt: Journal Entry January 10, 2008
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I know somehow why marriages fail.
It starts with waking up in the morning. Waking up in the morning at early stages of relationship is a pleasant experience. You greet your partner "good morning" and smile. She happily returns it with a knowing smile, almost a grin. You'll both smile thinking about the same thing, either it be the wild sex you had before sleep, or the romantic dinner date you were in before that, or just the plain thought that you slept, literally, with your partner.
But as you both go on, waking up doesn't go as well as you have been used to. There are more frowns than smiles. More arguments than smiles. It is harder to smile; but maybe it is because there was no romantic date or wild sex before sleeping, or the idea of sleeping with the person you wake up to doesn't seem to as good as you thought it was before. That frown that woke you up turns both your day into a wreck. Just like how you weaken at midday without breakfast, you weaken at mid-relationship without proper "good mornings".
At the end of it, you'll start thinking that maybe, just maybe, you've been fooled. This isn't what I was promised!, you tell your self. And just how mad were you the last time you bought a DVD from that turbaned guy telling you it was "clear", only to find out at home that you've been had? And you become mad - no enraged - and suspicious. And you start to nitpick. Find anything that might not be what you were promised. And you hate every little thing you find.
And from there it is easy to see how things go down the drain. And you wonder if this was a natural progression. Does everybody go through this? This, this horrible, horrible feeling that churns inside your tiny little heart? Suddenly you already do not wonder how this could easily account to maybe half the broken marriages there are. How do they resolve it?
And you remember. They don't.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
I Wish No Memory of You to Return
Excerpt: Journal Entry December 21, 2007
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It bothers me how some emotions just can't die. No matter what you do and no matter how many times you bury these emotions, they keep on resurfacing.
Albeit in a more detached way, I still hurt every time I hear rumors about you. And although I don't exactly know what's true or not anymore from the things that emanate the air of this small garbage of a town, I still try to believe you and buy your side.
Better part of my judgment says I should just ignore them, but the other part says they can't be right, and that I must stand up and prove they lie...
Along with this pain comes the longing to be with you again, albeit vague and fleeting, it is there. These things that I hear makes me want to find you and hug you and let me hear you say differently. It is true that old habits die hard. I've been doing exactly this for the past half of my life and it is not an easy thing to unlearn.
It is quite easy to say that I will not be affected anymore. Fact is, though, that I am. And still I try hard to forget you. The slightest memory of you still makes me miserable. It still makes me dwell in the memories of the might've beens that I threw out of my window. I still remember every inch of your body that I painstakingly memorized, one part at a time in interval of years. And the thought of you still brings to mind every scent I have sniffed; of that old cologne that you never changed, that only shampoo that worked for you that you can't use any other brand, the
tiny traces of the scent of your mouth and lips that fill my nostrils every time you exhale the breath that once meant everything to me, through you weird crooked smile that I always longed to put on your face that I never seemed to have any success with - they still haunt me.
No matter what I do, I can't shake these things off my head. But it doesn't mean that I still love you. It only means that you scarred my soul so deeply and yet so sweetly that my soul no longer knows whether to love or hate you. You just remain as a ghost that scares and confuses me every time the thought of what we had crosses my mind. You stay there, unforgotten yet uninvited. And that's how you'll stay. A fragment of an unwanted past that will never have a hold of the present.
The place I once I enshrined for you that you repeatedly abandoned is now warmly occupied by another. Our beginnings may not be as romantic as what we had, but our bitterness aren't as bitter, and our sweets ten times as much.
No matter how miserable your memory makes me feel and no matter how many times, her smile always washes you away, sending you back where you can do no harm. She showed me a life that we could have only dreamed of. We shared memories that we could never create. We lived where the two of us died and we thrived where the two of us failed. We achieved what we deemed impossible simply by her giving in where you refused.
Whereas you refused to believe me, she did. Whereas you refused to trust me, she closed her eyes and held my hand. Whereas you refused to make me feel loved, she embraced me like she would never let go. We cried as the two of us did, but we never cried alone. One is always there for the other, where the two of us decided to part.
The breath that I breathe in now is much too sweet that the scent of your mouth that I once thought as perfume now seems stale. It is a breath that is so light to inhale, devoid of guilty pains and doubts and aches that you used to exhale.
You are my sweetest downfall, but nevertheless a downfall you are that is ten times as painful as it is sweet. A downfall that I'd rather forget but simply can not.
I have found a better life that what we had, one that we haved only dreamed of. And with it a woman that you can never even be half of.
I wish no memory of you to return.
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It bothers me how some emotions just can't die. No matter what you do and no matter how many times you bury these emotions, they keep on resurfacing.
Albeit in a more detached way, I still hurt every time I hear rumors about you. And although I don't exactly know what's true or not anymore from the things that emanate the air of this small garbage of a town, I still try to believe you and buy your side.
Better part of my judgment says I should just ignore them, but the other part says they can't be right, and that I must stand up and prove they lie...
Along with this pain comes the longing to be with you again, albeit vague and fleeting, it is there. These things that I hear makes me want to find you and hug you and let me hear you say differently. It is true that old habits die hard. I've been doing exactly this for the past half of my life and it is not an easy thing to unlearn.
It is quite easy to say that I will not be affected anymore. Fact is, though, that I am. And still I try hard to forget you. The slightest memory of you still makes me miserable. It still makes me dwell in the memories of the might've beens that I threw out of my window. I still remember every inch of your body that I painstakingly memorized, one part at a time in interval of years. And the thought of you still brings to mind every scent I have sniffed; of that old cologne that you never changed, that only shampoo that worked for you that you can't use any other brand, the
tiny traces of the scent of your mouth and lips that fill my nostrils every time you exhale the breath that once meant everything to me, through you weird crooked smile that I always longed to put on your face that I never seemed to have any success with - they still haunt me.
No matter what I do, I can't shake these things off my head. But it doesn't mean that I still love you. It only means that you scarred my soul so deeply and yet so sweetly that my soul no longer knows whether to love or hate you. You just remain as a ghost that scares and confuses me every time the thought of what we had crosses my mind. You stay there, unforgotten yet uninvited. And that's how you'll stay. A fragment of an unwanted past that will never have a hold of the present.
The place I once I enshrined for you that you repeatedly abandoned is now warmly occupied by another. Our beginnings may not be as romantic as what we had, but our bitterness aren't as bitter, and our sweets ten times as much.
No matter how miserable your memory makes me feel and no matter how many times, her smile always washes you away, sending you back where you can do no harm. She showed me a life that we could have only dreamed of. We shared memories that we could never create. We lived where the two of us died and we thrived where the two of us failed. We achieved what we deemed impossible simply by her giving in where you refused.
Whereas you refused to believe me, she did. Whereas you refused to trust me, she closed her eyes and held my hand. Whereas you refused to make me feel loved, she embraced me like she would never let go. We cried as the two of us did, but we never cried alone. One is always there for the other, where the two of us decided to part.
The breath that I breathe in now is much too sweet that the scent of your mouth that I once thought as perfume now seems stale. It is a breath that is so light to inhale, devoid of guilty pains and doubts and aches that you used to exhale.
You are my sweetest downfall, but nevertheless a downfall you are that is ten times as painful as it is sweet. A downfall that I'd rather forget but simply can not.
I have found a better life that what we had, one that we haved only dreamed of. And with it a woman that you can never even be half of.
I wish no memory of you to return.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Happy New Year to Most of Us
While definitely, a new year is good time to start anew, a time to rethink all plans, to reconsider things we were sure of, reshuffle priorities, to question beliefs, to gain new hope, and wish better days to come, not all of us make this far. Some people make it just a day short of the new hopes and beginnings. Some families are mourning, when they were excited to celebrate. Some are busy doing their stuff, not minding the celebration. Some are busy going somewhere, while some are saying their last goodbyes. Some, they're are just not there. They didn't make it.
While celebrating the new year, let's not forget to pause for a while and think of those people. Ones we shared a brief moment or spent most of our lives with. Those who shared with us a drink or a meal, or an hour of work, or just an empty conversation. Those people who we wish are still with us today, and somehow, one way or another, helped us make it through this year to celebrate, and think of plans, and plan of futures, and hope of hopes.
Let's spend a moment to remember them. And at least let them reach the new year with us even if just in our thoughts.
Glen, you will be remembered. Happy new year.
While celebrating the new year, let's not forget to pause for a while and think of those people. Ones we shared a brief moment or spent most of our lives with. Those who shared with us a drink or a meal, or an hour of work, or just an empty conversation. Those people who we wish are still with us today, and somehow, one way or another, helped us make it through this year to celebrate, and think of plans, and plan of futures, and hope of hopes.
Let's spend a moment to remember them. And at least let them reach the new year with us even if just in our thoughts.
Glen, you will be remembered. Happy new year.
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